A journey through loss and grief - The importance of mourning
“No one ever told me that grief feels so like fear”. - C.S. Lewis
It was a cold but sunny day when the world seemed to stand still. A enormous pain started to spread through her body. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak, she didn’t want to believe. She was in shock. Her eyes felt with tears and she couldn’t stop crying. That where the first hours, days and month.
After this, fear was showing up, and worries about forgetting the person. She felt anger, hate, guilt, and emotional pain. A rollercoaster of emotions which where so confusing and fearful.
But her life continued and she started to smile again. She realised one day, even if he is not in this world anymore there will always be a connection between them. Death ended his life but not their relationship and he will always matter to her.
This is loss - This is grief - It is ok to feel like this
We live in a world where people barely talk about loss, death and grief. It is taboo, it seems like loss and death are nonexistent. The truth is that every life ends and we don’t know when we will be confronted with loss, death and grief. By writing these words, I want to disempower loss and death. Out of my experience with clients, and my private life it’s enormously helpful to name it, to make this big thing smaller. I want to give you hope and show you that you’re not alone with your emotions. I want to show you that it’s possible to heal from loss and live a joyful life. It may take time but there will be happiness again.
So how can we heal from loss?
To begin with allow yourself to grieve. When you start to mourn the healing process is put into motion. Your journey through good days and bad days starts - it is ok to feel how you feel. If you need to cry, let the tears go. But don’t worry if you can’t cry any more or never could cry. Sometimes you may feel no emotion at all, that’s ok, you’re going through a trauma. The word trauma is derived from greek and means “being hurt”. You’re in emotional pain and the mourning is helping you to go through that suffering.
“No wound so deep will ever go entirely away;
yet every hurt becomes a little less from day to day”. -Bruce Wilmer
Grief can make you feel isolated and lonely. It is scary if you lose someone and you know that this person we love will never come back. You need to learn and accept that they are no longer in this world but you still have a connection with your loved ones.
Grieving is a long process but you are not alone with it. Reach out and communicate your grief. It is alright to be upset and it is good to talk about your grief. We can support each other through openness, vulnerability and bravery.
“Don’t run away from grief, o soul,
look for the remedy inside the pain,
because the rose came from the thorn
and the ruby came from a stone”. - Rumi
Grief is changing you but you can grow. Find something in the terrible - what is here, what is alive. Loss is out of your control, it is not your fault, let go of trying to change it. If you move through your loss, ask yourself:
Now this happened to me, what I’m going to do about it?
What would you do with your fresh start?
Self-compassion can help you to calm yourself. It is about being kind, warmth and caring to yourself. Acknowledgement that grieving is part of being human.
How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
You are unique. There is no right or wrong, that’s why you need to find your way to self-soothe and self-care. I want you tell you some things that can help you heal:
Allow yourself to grieve
Do something special for you - care for yourself
Rest as much as possible - your mind and body are tired, because they have to process so much emotions
Breathe - close your eyes and touch your breast bone or your stomach, whatever feels comfortable for you. Breathe in for 4 and breathe out for 5. Breathe out worry - inhale peace. Breathe out tension - inhale tranquility. Breathe out sadness - inhale joy. Try this breath work and see how it works for you
Meditation
Yoga
Write a letter to the person you lost - Tell them how much you love them, maybe what you planned to do with them. Your fears, your anger, your worries, your hopes and your dreams. This could be painful experience, but on the other hand it can be healing. At the end you can burn the letter, bury it or keep it forever. Do whatever you feel is fine for you
Visualising - Think of a place, person that calms you down and visualise them
Listen to the GRIEFCAST with Cariad Lloyd - in this grief cast funny people talking about death and grief - www.acast.com
Reach out and let people help you - You can also ask for help and talk about your grief. If your family or friends also going through a difficult time get help from professionals or visit a loss and grief support group
Take the time you need to heal
My wish for you, that you soon see the sun rising and start to bloom and grow into a beautiful flower.
Denise